This past weekend, we somehow stumbled across a previously unknown, but possibly debilitating disability for yours truly. We were having lovely conversation over our celebratory anniversary dinner at Maggiano’s (Absolutely delicious by the way, but chalk full of more calories than you could possibly guess. Some of you might not even be able to count that high.) when all of a sudden a fellow patron sitting behind me winked at my bride. This may or may not have been in response to the minor production I was putting on in order to properly photograph our free dessert. Regardless, it was inappropriate and slightly embarrassing after the ensuing conversation outed my own dismal winking capabilities.

Winking is a significant contributor to the non-verbal communication tool belt for many people. Apparently it’s an asset I employ quite sparingly, which is probably a good thing for most of the people in my life and allows them to never ask the question, “Why are you blinking all weird at me like that?”

So putting the discomfort of my handicap aside, I thought I might compile a short list of things to communicate using a wink.

1. I’m not paying attention to my own wife, and your husband is looking ridiculous. I sympathize with you.
2. I have something in my eye.
3. My contact is really dry.
4. I’m tired and my eye is twitching.
5. I have a nerve condition, and my eyelid spasms involuntarily.
6. One blink for yes. Two blinks for no.

This is certainly not a comprehensive list. I googled winking, and evidently there is a large portion of the population that uses this gesture to express innocent flirtation and emotional intimacy, but the above list is the uses I’m most familiar with.

Why do you wink?