I confess that I do not know much about will.i.am. I know that he is the most popular member of the Black Eyed Peas not named Fergie, but I’m not really sure where he came up with his name. His given name, of course, was William, so apparently just throwing in some random punctuation can create a more artistic and compelling identity. Somehow I don’t think that will ever work for me. I don’t see ga.r.rett (Gay are Rett) launching me into public stardom. On second thought, if it did catch on and became a cultural phenomenon, I’d be a little annoyed… not because I’m a homo-phobe or because I’m not a happy person or even because I wouldn’t appreciate the irony of using my newly found soap box to subtly and sarcastically present tidbits of the Gospel to the LBGT community. It’s simply because… well, actually… that last one is a bit tempting. But nonetheless, I am not a homosexual, and I am much too pessimistic to fully embrace ga.r.rett as my new moniker.

So back to will.i.am. My main concern comes down to verb tense. Since I don’t spend that much time around him or talking directly to him, I’m not sure what proper protocol is. Is it acceptable when talking amongst common friends, you refer to him as will.he.is? If you are addressing him face-to-face, is it permissible to throw out will.u.r or will.u.b? If for some reason I ever meet him, we become BFFs and I end up eulogizing him at his funeral, I will probably speak mostly about will.he.was. I wish we could have had just a few more years together. He had such a tender heart. And oh, how he loved to sing. Life is just so short.

Who would you like to eulogize?