#68. That Guy in the Office

Gun1

You never want to be That Guy in the office. You know the one I’m talking about. If you don’t, then it might actually be you. Here’s a checklist you can use to find out if you are, in fact, That Guy:

1. You call everyone by nicknames that you made up. You might use part of their name like Billy Boy or Big Mike, or you may just use the unilateral Brosef, Shooter or Cletus for all of your co-workers.

2. You’re more likely to be found loitering outside someone else’s office than in your own designated cubicle. If you conduct more business away from your desk than at it, write a short message on your white board concerning your whereabouts as a courtesy to others, or we WILL tie a bell around your neck.

3. You insist on having long, drawn out phone conversations when everybody else on the cube farm is working quietly. While you may think you are using your inside voice, let me assure you that you’re not. And if I really wanted to enjoy a boring one-sided discussion in which I have no input, I’ll just spend more time with my wife. (Of course this is completely false, but I thought it might get a reaction out of people, and it sounded really funny in my head. This blog could be so much funnier if my wife actually had a couple character flaws and didn’t read what I wrote.)

3b. You have all the previously mentioned conversations, or worse, conference calls on speaker phone. We have magical places called phone rooms and conference rooms. Feel free to check them out.

4. You are constantly complaining. If you are doing this in a sarcastic, cynical or otherwise funny way, please continue. If you’re just being annoying and a joy kill, knock it off.

5. You find it necessary to let out a high pitched WHOOP or other deafening noise as soon as you make eye contact with anyone in the office, regardless of how far away you might be. This causes extremely uncomfortable situations when you are hundreds of feet apart and walking toward each other down a narrow hallway. Keep your head down and your mouth shut until you are no more than twenty feet apart. At this point a simple head nod, “How ya doin’?” or shot with the “finger gun” is acceptable and appropriate.

If you realized you have made one of these fatal work place mistakes, don’t panic. Most people throw around forgiveness like empty promises, but if you are a serial offender, this is wake up call. You need to take a hard look in the mirror, and start with him, because I’m askin’ him to change his ways. No message could be any clearer. If you want to make your office a better place, take a look at yourself, and then make a change. nah nah nah… nah nah nah… whoo!…

Do you know That Guy?

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